Grace of God heals me from my depression. Indeed, God is so good to me!
Year 2013 when I was diagnosed with depression. It took me 4 months and after that, the doctor told me that I am healed. During those 4 months, there are so many sufferings. I was in hell and I cannot sleep well. That was my first time to attempt to kill myself. But God intervene; during the time that I decided to kill myself, my iPad opens up and a Christian song played. Suddenly, I feel alive again!
I search for a life coach and I found one. It was free. Then, he encouraged me to go to a doctor.
I think, it took me 3 medicines before I and my doctor come up with the right medicine. It is very tiring.
Then on 2014, I decided to become an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) in Singapore believing that with a new country and new place there will be a good thing that will happen.
My work in Singapore as a Business Intelligence Analyst is stressful because I need to adjust with different culture and nationality. For the first two years, I adjusted and experienced the freedom I want. I am earning pretty well and enjoying life in there.
Suddenly, my former manager decided to transfer me to a new team who is engaged with data and business operations. That was my nightmare! My new boss is always angry to me every time I am committing mistakes. This is unusual in my entire life working in a good company. Most of my former boss (in the Philippines and one in Singapore), are all good. With that environment, my depression comes back again!
Since I am a friendly person, I tried to attend other churches and be open to other beliefs. With that, I became confused of who God is. That made my condition worst. Every time I commits mistake, I felt condemned. There is no wisdom and no life within me.
Fear starting to build within me which is not ordinary to me. Eventually, my depression became severe and it grows every day. I cannot sleep again! Nightmare, death, fear, and darkness are everywhere in my mind. I do not want to go to a doctor because of fear and denial. I am afraid of what another human will tell me if I went there; denial that I am OK even if I am not.
Because emptiness, lack of appetite and no life is getting piled up every day, I decided to find a better church. During those times, the thoughts in my mind is telling me that there is “No God”. But deep inside my heart is shouting, there is true God.
There is a question in my mind that says, “Will I die soon? Is there a heaven?” Those are the thoughts that are playing on my mind.
But everything change…
Continuation on part 2.
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